I should preface this edition of my blog with the following truth: I don’t think I’ve ever obeyed the above rule. I generally base this decision of mine on two theories: Read the rest of this entry
It occurred to me the other day that a lot of people from a lot of weird countries have been glancing at my little page here, and I thought, so how on earth did some dude from like, Norway (for example) ever manage to find my blog? It’s not like I like, promote it or shit. I then did something remarkably stupid, and had a look at the search engine terms that have thus far led people to my dear Offatthewrongstop. Of course some were clearly my facebook buddies (real or imagined) getting their daily fix of my disastrous misadventures, but a shockingly large percentage (like nearly 80% and, yes, I am a dork) were a little, shall we say, disturbing. Ok, a lot disturbing, hence why I’m sharing them with my (slightly creepy yet) adoring fans. What follows, in no particular order, are some of the interesting things that people are interested in, with which almighty Google thinks I might be able to help.
P.S. Anyone responsible for that which is found below is totally welcome to fess up and explain themselves at any time.
P.P.S. Actually they have been ordered. I found it interesting that nearly everything fit into three broad categories, with a separate listing of people who clearly take me too literally and should learn to spell. And / or drink less. Also I’ve cut out the boring ones Read the rest of this entry
Someone, probably my brother, once asked me, upon my announcing I was going back to Koh Phi Phi (my fav Thai island), “wtf, again??”. Now, he may have had a point, but I don’t care. I love this island. It’s home to many of my favorite memories: a friend getting stitches in an open-air clinic, hours spent laughing at tourists jumping ropes the locals have set on fire with gasoline, a day spent discovering that the island’s actually deserted as soon as you exit the backpacker ghetto… But my favorite adventure would have to be the evening / night / early morning when I decided my body just had to say something in Thai. Anything, really. And so, after numerous, repeated, and increasingly annoying requests, here is the official version of How Nina Acquired Her Infamous Bamboo Tattoo. Read the rest of this entry
I love boat travel, I do. I prefer ferrys usually, but a river trip will suffice. This does not mean that I likewise enjoy having approximately 34 Laotians sitting in my lap, with baggage, for 8 hours straight. Yet such was my predicament a couple months ago, with the additional benefit of a seat concocted from an unecessarily narrow wooden railing. Welcome to Laos… Read the rest of this entry
It’s 1pm and I’ve been sitting in this stupid courtyard, on this stupid hill, in stupid Turkey for nearly 7 hours now. I’m not the first to be suckered by a Turk, and I surely won’t be the last, but I’ll be damned if I sit here any longer. It’s time for action! I’ve been kidnapped into a Turkish film set, and I’m getting out of here, now!
If you’ve ever crossed the border over land into Uruguay, you may have noticed an imposing, hilarious and, I thought, somewhat offensive billboard that states: “Uruguay: welcome to the first world”. Now, I would say this is a bad idea for a number of reasons. First off, it’s just not true. I saw this sign at the border crossing coming from Buenos Aires, which is by all accounts a fairly awesome and well-off city (although its people, not to be a judgemental bitch, are the fugliest I’ve ever seen. Ever. I almost vomited). Second, and maybe more importantly, I know that Uruguay and Argentina are still a little pissy with each other and all, but surely this billboard is not the smartest way to encourage tourism? Or like, good neighborly relations and shit? Anywho, this got me thinking about what it actually means to be a “first world” country. You know, other than being able to lay claim to various imperialist pretensions. Read the rest of this entry
In a novel departure from my previously historical and alcohol-sodden disaster blog, I will be speaking this week of recent and most sobering events. Not to get into embarrassing details (yes, it’s true, I somehow managed to faint 3 weeks ago on a Christmas day flight to China), but let’s just say that one should never EVER attempt to get stitches at 5am in a Chinese airport. Cause it’s sooooo never gonna happen. Read the rest of this entry
So, I’m like, somewhere in the middle of Turkey, and I haven’t been back to my hostel in a couple days. It’s partly cause I’m being stalked all over Europe by THE DANE (see Travel Rule #5), but mainly cause I’ve been drunk in a cave with some Turkish cowboys for some time now. Oh, and clubbing. And also night motorcycling with licorice liquor. And smoking lovely local products? Oh, and also starting a giant bar fight involving a German Sheppard, thrown tables, and some off-duty cops. You know, the regular ole disaster… Read the rest of this entry
So I’ve just washed my own puke down a squat toilet using a plastic bucket, and now I’m sitting in a dank little hovel of a bar, somewhere in the back armpit of Bangkok, watching a large Thai man fuck a small Thai girl on a stage, and… they’re both up-side down. What’s wrong with this picture, you ask? Alaskans, that’s what. Don’t you ever listen to ‘em. Read the rest of this entry
I live in Houston. It is not safe. It is awesome, but not so… well, safe.
My apartment was once robbed by, in the words of the sole witness, “3 mexican males, medium height, medium build”. This describes approx half the people in this city. They took everything, cooked my food, broke a hole through the wall so they could steal my neighbor’s 10 guns (sir, why do you own a gun safe if you’re not gonna lock it??), then threw American cheese all about (yes, I purchase American cheese. I don’t care if it’s not made of actual cheese, it’s delicious), jacked my ½ gallon of gin, and apparently hung out all day havin just a faaaaabulous time.
Two of my friends were once robbed at gunpoint about 3 blocks from my house (and yeah, they DID keep their shoes, but not for lack of trying on the part of the gunman). I walk home here alone all the time, clearly I’m retarded, it’s just, it’s a fact of life, you know? Read the rest of this entry