So I’m dancing in a bikini and grass skirt combo on a booze barge, floating somewhere slightly off the coast of Honduras, which is hypothetically being captained (to a greater or, as at the moment, lesser extent) by its drunken Canadian pirate builder and distractedly being bartended by his crew of teenage Honduran hotties. I’m considering getting concerned that it looks a lot like Cap’n Perry is letting my brother drive the barge (I love you, Jballs!), which clearly can lead nowhere good, but then the Tequila Bell rings and I think “Fuck it. The pirate said ‘free tequila’, and I say ‘aye’!”
I should preface this edition of my blog with the following truth: I don’t think I’ve ever obeyed the above rule. I generally base this decision of mine on two theories: Read the rest of this entry
Special guest edition!
No, I have definitely not run out of disaster tales, however, we will today be taking a break from my own travel wreckage to discuss… My brother’s. Those of you who’ve met the J-balls already know the following fact: my brother is a disaster. Yes, I realize it’s like, super ironic that I’m saying that, given the content of my blog, but like, seriously. A. Fucking. Disaster. Here are some examples of how disastrous my brother is, just generally speaking. Really, I hardly even know what I’m about to say, I’m just culling at random from surficial memories: Read the rest of this entry
It occurred to me the other day that a lot of people from a lot of weird countries have been glancing at my little page here, and I thought, so how on earth did some dude from like, Norway (for example) ever manage to find my blog? It’s not like I like, promote it or shit. I then did something remarkably stupid, and had a look at the search engine terms that have thus far led people to my dear Offatthewrongstop. Of course some were clearly my facebook buddies (real or imagined) getting their daily fix of my disastrous misadventures, but a shockingly large percentage (like nearly 80% and, yes, I am a dork) were a little, shall we say, disturbing. Ok, a lot disturbing, hence why I’m sharing them with my (slightly creepy yet) adoring fans. What follows, in no particular order, are some of the interesting things that people are interested in, with which almighty Google thinks I might be able to help.
P.S. Anyone responsible for that which is found below is totally welcome to fess up and explain themselves at any time.
P.P.S. Actually they have been ordered. I found it interesting that nearly everything fit into three broad categories, with a separate listing of people who clearly take me too literally and should learn to spell. And / or drink less. Also I’ve cut out the boring ones Read the rest of this entry
It’s a hot summer’s night, somewhere outside Monterrey, Mexico, and I’ve somehow misadvisedly entered myself into a chili-eating contest. Specifically, a Chili Pequin eating contest. Not like, a habañero, or a jalapeño, or anything you know, bland, no, that would not do. Instead I’ve managed to stuff like 47 of the hottest little buggers ever down my throat, and am now being egged on by a pit-crew of geologists (yes, yes, I am indeed debauching myself on a work trip. AGAIN), to which I say “Bring it! I will destroy your chili-eating record!” I know I’ve said this before, but this can’t end well… Read the rest of this entry
If you’ve ever crossed the border over land into Uruguay, you may have noticed an imposing, hilarious and, I thought, somewhat offensive billboard that states: “Uruguay: welcome to the first world”. Now, I would say this is a bad idea for a number of reasons. First off, it’s just not true. I saw this sign at the border crossing coming from Buenos Aires, which is by all accounts a fairly awesome and well-off city (although its people, not to be a judgemental bitch, are the fugliest I’ve ever seen. Ever. I almost vomited). Second, and maybe more importantly, I know that Uruguay and Argentina are still a little pissy with each other and all, but surely this billboard is not the smartest way to encourage tourism? Or like, good neighborly relations and shit? Anywho, this got me thinking about what it actually means to be a “first world” country. You know, other than being able to lay claim to various imperialist pretensions. Read the rest of this entry
For a number of years now, I have spent Christmas day either on a plane or in a non-Christian country. I find this entertaining; it causes my mother no end of aggravation. Last year was an exception, in that yeah, my bro and I ditched her early xmas morning (love you, Jarrod!), but we did manage to get ourselves to a severely Catholic country… Guatemala. Yes, yes, land of Mayans and murders. And people burned alive with flaming car tires. And drugs, and corruption, and blah blah blah. Turns out it’s also the land of “cheap way to get out of the States on Xmas day”, haha! Read the rest of this entry