It occurred to me the other day that a lot of people from a lot of weird countries have been glancing at my little page here, and I thought, so how on earth did some dude from like, Norway (for example) ever manage to find my blog? It’s not like I like, promote it or shit. I then did something remarkably stupid, and had a look at the search engine terms that have thus far led people to my dear Offatthewrongstop. Of course some were clearly my facebook buddies (real or imagined) getting their daily fix of my disastrous misadventures, but a shockingly large percentage (like nearly 80% and, yes, I am a dork) were a little, shall we say, disturbing. Ok, a lot disturbing, hence why I’m sharing them with my (slightly creepy yet) adoring fans. What follows, in no particular order, are some of the interesting things that people are interested in, with which almighty Google thinks I might be able to help.
P.S. Anyone responsible for that which is found below is totally welcome to fess up and explain themselves at any time.
P.P.S. Actually they have been ordered. I found it interesting that nearly everything fit into three broad categories, with a separate listing of people who clearly take me too literally and should learn to spell. And / or drink less. Also I’ve cut out the boring ones 🙂
So here we go! Category 1: Fucking (disclaimer: I have no personal experience with most of these activities and also definitely do not endorse ping pong shows!):
• “Thaigirl fuck on thaimen” Well, fine, I guess, I mean I did tag that post with “ping pong show”…
• “Thai fuck bucket” Searched five times. Seriously?? What the fuck is a Thai fuck bucket? The phrase, as I and most other white people in Thai touristy lands coined it, is “fuck it, it’s a bucket”. Or maybe “fuckin good bucket”. Definitely not a bucket one wants to fuck. Get it right.
• “Manfuck girl” I also specifically do not endorse, and in fact often ridicule, this particularly noxious Asian pastime.
• “Chicks shooting ping pong balls out of vagina” See point above.
• “Bangkok bar girls ping pong shows” See points above. Again.
• “Thai girls getting fucked” OKAY! I get it! I wrote about a ping pong show, get over it!
• “Do not go to ping pong show” OMG DITTO. Although this looks suspiciously like someone actually looking for my post, so fair enough.
• “You are my toilet slave” Uhhh…. No possible comment?
• “Amsterdam hostel fuck” Sorry, was too busy getting fucked up.
• “fuckin niñas” If anyone knows what a “fuckin niña” is, I REALLY want you to share…
On so we move on to category 2: Ingesting:
• “Amsterdam opium den”, ’nuff said.
• “Niffyhah” Cute, considering I personally invented the spelling of this word…
• “TC’s lounge boston” 17 people clicke on me after googling this. Apparently I’m the best source of information on the best bar in bean-town??
• “Standing drunk in dorm” Surprised you still can, sir.
• “Snorting morocco” You! Whoever you are! Tell me you weren’t just looking for me, and you can aid my quest to re-find the glorious Moroccan nose candy!!
Finally! Category three: Actual travel:
• “Pamplona pee” Surely I’m not the only tourist to pee in a bush in Pamplona?
• “Travelling to world cup 2011” I’ve never written about this, which I find odd, especially as there was no World Cup in 2011…
• “Travel alone Taiwan” You win, I totally had that covered.
• “Bicycling Netherlands” and “Amsterdam cool” Truth.
• “What countries cant you flush toilet paper” Now this I like. I am SO an expert on this. Just ask away.
And my total fav’s: (Mis)Spelling:
• “Find love in thailan d” And you never will.
• “Dum ass drung guys” You’ve already found them?
• “Head dry bag” Omg! Someone else went toobing with a gaping head wound???
• “Miracle of allah” Yes, I travel to Muslim countries, in one of which I was taught the most useful word in any language ever (“Inshallah”, the Arabic for “god willing”. Useful when god is clearly not willing but no one feels like arguing about it), but I wouldn’t exactly say that my travels are considered miraculous by any god…
• “Operating theatre cleaning” This was googled three times. I don’t understand. Does this person know me? Or is someone else walking around Laos with a gaping head wound??
• “11 are ninas” (also searched “ninas are 11”) I do so hope they found the Tale of Instigating a Barfight in Turkey, which was post 11…
“i saw my brother’s dick”. I still can’t speak about this one. I still can’t believe this happened. And I know the interwebs are full of pervs, but I particularly can’t believe someone else out there has had to view their brother’s dick. I’ll assume again that you know me…
So there you have it, my blog just went meta. I must be cool 🙂
P.P.P.S.- Also I just googled “thai fuck bucket” for the hell of it, and damned if my own photo wasn’t the first thing that popped up… Bad google!
Up next week: Why you really shouldn’t pee in poison ivy…