So, Australia is basically heaven on earth. You know, if all the heavenly wildlife wanted to murder you. In your sleep. With venom. And sharks.

No but really, it’s so fucking ridonculously perfect here it’s actually gotten rather annoying. Like, first world problems come here to die. And, as we know, Ninas really prefer disastrous unregulated manky-ass dictatorial gun-ridden gut-wrenching hell-holes, hence, I’ve recently been noting all the things that are SO WRONG in this paradise I inhabit. And please, bear in mind, this isn’t an exercise in humble-bragging y’all, I’m dead serious, THE PROBLEMS ARE REAL.  So therefore:

Asterisk: given the whims of, well, Turks, there may or may not be a forthcoming YouTube sensation of the Nina explicating the probs of Living Down Under, and possibly getting slapped for it, but just in case laziness does win and this joyousness never materializes, herewith I give you:

Nina’s Top 10 List (haha bald-faced lie, bald-faced lie) of Ridiculous Unacceptable Utterly Unlivable #strayaproblems (in reverse order of IMPORTANCE)*

SP23: Omg I’ve only gotten back to the States 4 times in 4 years ’cause like, I totally need more holiday time.

SP22: I have literally forgotten what snow looks like. Haha yeah #notaproblem.

SP21: None of my friends will come out and play ’cause they’re all too busy kite-surfing / fishing / playing beach volleyball / down in Margaret River wine-touring / at a festival on the East Coast / holidaying in Guatemala / ugh, righto, I guess I’ll just go surfing then.

SP20: The winter I moved here, it went down to 0.5C. Which is the coldest temperature ever recorded in Perth in the history of human record-keeping. Jesus H it was ugh when I walked to work in thongs.

SP19: My commute is like, nearly 2.5km. Fuck me that’s far.

SP18: 37.5 hours per week is SO too much work for me.

SP17: Bali is a 4-hr, $200 return flight away. But it’s just suuuuuch a shithole.

SP16: We get so many public holidays, I sometime forget to shop the day before, and then I run out of food ‘n liquor. Hahahahahaha that’s such a lie, I never forget 🙂

SP15: The most important, most pervasive #strayaproblem of all. So many beaches, so little time. No, really.

SP14: When I have to set my alarm for 10am, just to make sure I’m not late to meet my ladies in wine country 🙂

SP13: When I wanna whinge about how hot it’s meant to be tomorrow, but I can’t, cause 1/2 of my friends will yell at me no matter which temperature scale I use 😦

SP12: It’s 42 out (yes, yes, by which I mean 102 degrees…), so it’s too hot to chuck a sickie and go to the cricket 😦

SP11: I can’t decide if I should buy more holiday every year so I can take more time off, or just stick with my 6 weeks / yr and retire at 50. #strayaproblems.

SP10: They’re painting my motherfucking pool, so I have to drive 10 min to the beach. And ohhhhh, but I’m pissed.

SP9: I got sunburnt on a free yacht. True story.

SP8: (And I swear to God this is also true) so I binged the entire GoT season 5, the day before the finale came out, in like literally 9 hours, and then chucked a sickie and woke up at 9am to watch the finale in real-time, to discover that I DONT FUCKING GET THAT CHANNEL.

SP7: So like, next summer i really want to hit 60 countries (I’m at 43 at the mo), but like, I’ve only enough leave to make 56. Kill me 😦

SP6: My gorgeous purple Havaianas broke and I only have 6 more pairs. That I bought in Sao Paolo. Fucker.

SP5: Omg and my pool IS NOT HEATED. SERIOUSLY.

SP4: I had to put shoes on at work today?? Cause the head of the company came by?? Fml.

SP3: My office blocks DropBox. Guess I can’t ‘work from home’ 🙂

SP2: I can’t Uber home cause there’s no money in my linked account, so I guess I’ll go to the after party at 6am?

Aaaaaaaaand the numero uno all-time Straya Prob of my terrible hard-ass life:

SP1: I can literally never go home. Cause I literally can’t stop saying cunt.

God it’s such a shithole here down under. But I do love ‘straya, she’s a good cunt!

*Ninas don’t tweet. But if anyone believes, as Nina does, that #strayaproblems needs its day in the sun, feel free to trend the cunt out of it 🙂